hey there dear blogger :)
it's been quite some time since my last post , i had a lot to live through new people that i met , a new person in my life , he is a good man he believes in me , he believe that love can exist between two men or women , and he likes me .
sadly it hurts me , 'cause he can't see himself living a life of a queer , he keeps our relationships in the frame of friendship , it's almost a two months since i met him , in the past days i tried reaching out to him but got turn down , I'm not upset -I'm being pushy here- he tries to finish his project so that he can graduate from school.
what i love about him , his passion to music and comic book (manga) he has a good talent but his problem that he cares too much about what people say ,always shy & holding himself back , if he only knows how good he is ...
for a young man like , he is quite a hand ful , but always manges to make me smile , the way sways his hips, his dance steps , his tone voice , those brown puppy eyes that kills me every time ,his black hair that flows over his eye, trying to cover his emotions from me , but i just know from the way he looks .
it annoys him when i call him "cute" or "adorable" , not that he thinks it's an insult , but the fact that he blushes madly with every flattery .
that's how i see my boy ...
Friday, January 6, 2012
Friday, August 19, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
What happens when a gazelle meets a hedgehog ?
What happens when a gazelle meets a hedgehog ?
The answer to that question leads us to leads me to letter I’m writing , let me tell you how I became friends with “K” “A” “R” –believe me there is a reason why I wrote these initials .
One day I was having a gray day in the office like many others ,so out of impulse I googled for local “flaming” spots in Amman then I saw a picture of him on some traveling guide website, his name was Kali , a local boy who has an LGBT online magazine .
At that moment my idea of gay people changed completely –my original thought was stereo types-, I was in that state of mind to think so , for me I know there is something different with me but still I’m not yet convenience that I should call it uniqueness , at that time I was seeing a psychiatrist for anger management issues .
The “head doctor“ thought my anger was due a repressed memory of younger days , which made probe my mind for answer for it , I started talking about my school days where all of the kids used to make fun of my dialect ,appearance , even my ideas , yet strangely they trust me when they need my help .
I did mind going to school knowing there is a fight waiting for me at the end of the day , still I have a reason to go … and that reason is a boy , a classmate who became my friend , who became my first crush , who became my worse nightmare.
So Doc told I should resolve this issue and confront it , the trusting part of me replied “you mean I should face my Ex ?” ,”No , you should handle you perversions so that you can maintain a stable life “, then it hit me I wasn’t angry with my past I was hated myself for so many reasons people say about homosexuals AKA FAGS .
There he was looking at me with a seductive pose on the chair , I stared at the picture for minutes trying to know who he is , I read the webpage about Amman his responses was straight forward , intelligent , and some times cute , my first thought “wait …is this the guy I’m supposed to hate “ , that night I kept on thinking on the “whys” , I was religious in some part of my life , the thought kept haunting “does god hate me ? , if so then people will hate me too, I never asked to be like this , is it a choice ? I have to talk to him ! but I need a motivation “ , I remember an old furry style comic I never got to finish –writers block … go figure !- I contacted him through email via his website and arranged a meeting .
I told him I needed some inspiration to help me complete my comic , I didn’t lie to him but still I had other hidden agenda , I waited for in a café of his choice after I refused going to a certain cafe which been police raided a while ago , here I am waiting for guy who I may I dislike , looking for answer that I don’t want to hear .
15 minutes later he comes into the cafe , I recognized him from the photograph online but he doesn’t recognize me until he gave me a call , we started talking about a lot of things but the highlight of our discussion is about how he came out but at that time he didn’t tell me why he did , I showed him my work he was amazed by it , so amazed he called his friend “Alaa’” to meet us there.
Alaa’ is a young man with a very creative hand in designing the covers , he doesn’t talk much I don’t think he shy from me but guess we don’t have common ground we share that give us topics to talk about , but kali on the other hand knows a lot about the community , if there an lgbt matter in the media he knows about it , plus he is an excitant dresser and knows a lot about fashion.
After the meeting I came to realize and understand myself , yes I am gay but I’m also a man , and a human being , which gave the passion to complete the comic , “Beyond Bad Boys” was released a month later on my kali magazine.
As for my best friend “Reem” she is a different story , I met her through Facebook , she is into Japanese manga , I added her as a friend and we talked a lot but never told her about myself until she asked me for deviantart account to see my work and I did , she replied back saying that I have yaoi (boy love) art , which made me realize that there is an old drawing I made a year ago I forgot about , I tried evading the answer , then I gave it straight ,”I have a thing for boys …” , I waited for her to go ballistic on me ! and with a shocking revelation she replied [ NO WAY ! :D ] it turns out that she is a fan of that form of art , by that time I wrote three KA.T issues for my kali suddenly I lost my touch ; the KAT comics I wrote were based on life experiences I had like coming out , living a fantasy of reuniting with an old love one ,and my journey to Syria , so I contacted reem for help.
Things evolved from there , or I should say I made it evolve , lets just say that I found a way to contact her , yeah … yeah I admit it I stalked her …only online, and I’m not happy with that, but it gave me the result that I wanted she called back , and we exchanged numbers…and met a lot of time exchanging ideas and showing her my art , she helped me write a story about a couple .
That’s my story so far , not really I met a lot of people along the way , some good … some bad and some I still wonder why I haven’t met them earlier as for the question “What happens when a gazelle meets a hedgehog ?” the answer is …
they become best of friends.
The answer to that question leads us to leads me to letter I’m writing , let me tell you how I became friends with “K” “A” “R” –believe me there is a reason why I wrote these initials .
One day I was having a gray day in the office like many others ,so out of impulse I googled for local “flaming” spots in Amman then I saw a picture of him on some traveling guide website, his name was Kali , a local boy who has an LGBT online magazine .
At that moment my idea of gay people changed completely –my original thought was stereo types-, I was in that state of mind to think so , for me I know there is something different with me but still I’m not yet convenience that I should call it uniqueness , at that time I was seeing a psychiatrist for anger management issues .
The “head doctor“ thought my anger was due a repressed memory of younger days , which made probe my mind for answer for it , I started talking about my school days where all of the kids used to make fun of my dialect ,appearance , even my ideas , yet strangely they trust me when they need my help .
I did mind going to school knowing there is a fight waiting for me at the end of the day , still I have a reason to go … and that reason is a boy , a classmate who became my friend , who became my first crush , who became my worse nightmare.
So Doc told I should resolve this issue and confront it , the trusting part of me replied “you mean I should face my Ex ?” ,”No , you should handle you perversions so that you can maintain a stable life “, then it hit me I wasn’t angry with my past I was hated myself for so many reasons people say about homosexuals AKA FAGS .
There he was looking at me with a seductive pose on the chair , I stared at the picture for minutes trying to know who he is , I read the webpage about Amman his responses was straight forward , intelligent , and some times cute , my first thought “wait …is this the guy I’m supposed to hate “ , that night I kept on thinking on the “whys” , I was religious in some part of my life , the thought kept haunting “does god hate me ? , if so then people will hate me too, I never asked to be like this , is it a choice ? I have to talk to him ! but I need a motivation “ , I remember an old furry style comic I never got to finish –writers block … go figure !- I contacted him through email via his website and arranged a meeting .
I told him I needed some inspiration to help me complete my comic , I didn’t lie to him but still I had other hidden agenda , I waited for in a café of his choice after I refused going to a certain cafe which been police raided a while ago , here I am waiting for guy who I may I dislike , looking for answer that I don’t want to hear .
15 minutes later he comes into the cafe , I recognized him from the photograph online but he doesn’t recognize me until he gave me a call , we started talking about a lot of things but the highlight of our discussion is about how he came out but at that time he didn’t tell me why he did , I showed him my work he was amazed by it , so amazed he called his friend “Alaa’” to meet us there.
Alaa’ is a young man with a very creative hand in designing the covers , he doesn’t talk much I don’t think he shy from me but guess we don’t have common ground we share that give us topics to talk about , but kali on the other hand knows a lot about the community , if there an lgbt matter in the media he knows about it , plus he is an excitant dresser and knows a lot about fashion.
After the meeting I came to realize and understand myself , yes I am gay but I’m also a man , and a human being , which gave the passion to complete the comic , “Beyond Bad Boys” was released a month later on my kali magazine.
As for my best friend “Reem” she is a different story , I met her through Facebook , she is into Japanese manga , I added her as a friend and we talked a lot but never told her about myself until she asked me for deviantart account to see my work and I did , she replied back saying that I have yaoi (boy love) art , which made me realize that there is an old drawing I made a year ago I forgot about , I tried evading the answer , then I gave it straight ,”I have a thing for boys …” , I waited for her to go ballistic on me ! and with a shocking revelation she replied [ NO WAY ! :D ] it turns out that she is a fan of that form of art , by that time I wrote three KA.T issues for my kali suddenly I lost my touch ; the KAT comics I wrote were based on life experiences I had like coming out , living a fantasy of reuniting with an old love one ,and my journey to Syria , so I contacted reem for help.
Things evolved from there , or I should say I made it evolve , lets just say that I found a way to contact her , yeah … yeah I admit it I stalked her …only online, and I’m not happy with that, but it gave me the result that I wanted she called back , and we exchanged numbers…and met a lot of time exchanging ideas and showing her my art , she helped me write a story about a couple .
That’s my story so far , not really I met a lot of people along the way , some good … some bad and some I still wonder why I haven’t met them earlier as for the question “What happens when a gazelle meets a hedgehog ?” the answer is …
they become best of friends.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
glass of light
A glass of light
by Thomas r. wolfing
Wondered about life, as I feel ashamed
From things that I've done, fates I made
Drips of blood on my clean soul
Black stains on my broken windows
Can I interest you with a drink or two?
How about some company I can wait for a few?
Why the stare out there?
When your reflection is in your glass
Why the gloomy face my dear friend?
Here you are near me; your life is far from its end
I stare at the lovers across the street
Hiding from the rain and winds of oblivion from above
I'm not sad, neither I'm glad
I wished for so many things but never had
I thought what I wanted is what I needed
But what I needed is already in hand
Hush my dear I almost hear your heart
I don't need no preach nor a form of art
To tell me what I should desire, what to despise
All I crave for is a touch of you hand and a look from you eyes
by Thomas r. wolfing
Wondered about life, as I feel ashamed
From things that I've done, fates I made
Drips of blood on my clean soul
Black stains on my broken windows
Can I interest you with a drink or two?
How about some company I can wait for a few?
Why the stare out there?
When your reflection is in your glass
Why the gloomy face my dear friend?
Here you are near me; your life is far from its end
I stare at the lovers across the street
Hiding from the rain and winds of oblivion from above
I'm not sad, neither I'm glad
I wished for so many things but never had
I thought what I wanted is what I needed
But what I needed is already in hand
Hush my dear I almost hear your heart
I don't need no preach nor a form of art
To tell me what I should desire, what to despise
All I crave for is a touch of you hand and a look from you eyes
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
guy !
last night , i had the best time of my life , i met this 30ish old man as part of casual interview which lasted for about 3 hours , we almost talked about everything , his life , coming outs , my phobias and history , and most importantly "IGLHRC" International Gay & Lesbian Human Rights Commission , working with them might help me release the pain inside me >.>
Sunday, December 5, 2010
pride
pride parade , is a way to share with the world what you are , but i have a few issues with the idea >.>
i know that parades are supposed to be way prove the lgbt rights , but do they have to go that far ? , i mean walking around in your undies , or leather , though i like the sight of it ;9
but really should we give the bad idea about us , to outside world people look at us as sex animals , well so do straight people , but they play nice !
i'm with the idea of lgbt rights gatherings , lets me ask something do women rights groups show their "boobs" on there walks ?
think about it
i know that parades are supposed to be way prove the lgbt rights , but do they have to go that far ? , i mean walking around in your undies , or leather , though i like the sight of it ;9
but really should we give the bad idea about us , to outside world people look at us as sex animals , well so do straight people , but they play nice !
i'm with the idea of lgbt rights gatherings , lets me ask something do women rights groups show their "boobs" on there walks ?
think about it
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
gangs of amman
you might have seen a lot of things in Amman but have you heard of a "gay gang" ?
seriously it's true XP , but i don't mean it in a mafia context , they are just a bunch guys hanging in the same place , OK ... and sometimes annoy people with there attitudes , but they are fun to watch ;3 .
the idea it's self is simple , a group of individuals have less risk of being attacked by other , like they say necessity is the mother invention , since you haven't notice amman is not always a nice place.
hate crime against homosexuals are common , and most of them are not reported , so the best way to stay safe is to move within a group , cool idea !.
but some times when you a drag queen as a leader an a lot of flamers you get ... you don't want to know >.>
seriously it's true XP , but i don't mean it in a mafia context , they are just a bunch guys hanging in the same place , OK ... and sometimes annoy people with there attitudes , but they are fun to watch ;3 .
the idea it's self is simple , a group of individuals have less risk of being attacked by other , like they say necessity is the mother invention , since you haven't notice amman is not always a nice place.
hate crime against homosexuals are common , and most of them are not reported , so the best way to stay safe is to move within a group , cool idea !.
but some times when you a drag queen as a leader an a lot of flamers you get ... you don't want to know >.>
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